MAKING MUSIC BEATS :In "Energy Feeding, Part 1" I shared what energy feeding is and gave some firsthand examples of my own experience with it. Here I will give more examples and will offer some solutions to letting go of the need to feed, should you so choose to do so.
Energy Feeding: What It Is And How It Serves Us, Part 2
I watched other videos that were also compelling examples of energy feeding, examples that revealed how ensconced into the very fabric of our culture it is, and frankly, always has been. In one video a woman was spanking her teenage babysitter. She made the babysitter strip naked, forced her to lie down on her stomach, and then made her stick her rear end up in the air in a humiliating position. Once in this position, she proceeded to whip her hard with a belt. The girl was in great pain with every lash.
The first time I watched this I identified with the spanker. I discovered I had lots of anger inside and felt the anger of this woman as she delivered each whack. I allowed myself to feel it to my core and breathed with it. I was amazed at how much I identified with these emotions. This woman showed no compassion whatsoever for her babysitter. I also discovered I identified with the babysitter. I felt her humiliation and that I too deserved to be spanked like her. I even felt her anguish in being whipped without being able to say anything.
It became clear to me that both these women represented a deep-seated attitude that aspects of me have harbored towards God. I carried within me both anger towards God for making my life so difficult, as well as a belief that I am unworthy of God's love and deserve to be punished. For example, I believed that like this spanker, God is compassionless, not caring, just determined to make me suffer, and like the babysitter, I deserved to be punished. She just took her punishment without resistance. I'd been going through life feeling like I was being punished and doing nothing about it except to take it and in fact, to punish myself harder by doing all kinds of conditions of fasting, cold showers, even whipping myself, all because of feeling unworthy of God's love, and guilty of either doing something wrong or not doing enough to please God.
In essence, I had lots of rage for feeling trapped in a miserable life, blamed God for it, and then in an attempt to solicit forgiveness from God, punished myself. These bitter aspects of me were carrying the attitude that "over my dead body will I ever love anyone." They could snuff out someone's life in a heartbeat without thinking anything of it. All those years while following Moon this aspect was dominant more often than not. I only allowed the real compassionate, loving me to be expressed on occasion and even then, I had no idea this was the real me. I thought this was probably God and how nice of God to give me a little taste of grace and good feeling. And yet, because such good feelings were few and far between, I felt as though God withdrew His love as easily as He gave it because I wasn't worthy of it. Perhaps God even despised me and enjoyed watching me suffer by dangling a carrot in front of me that He knew I'd never be worthy of actually eating. The emotions from aspects such as these were full of anger, bitterness, and even sarcasm.
Only now can I see that this was just a game I was playing with myself. I was acting out these different aspects, allowing them to literally battle with each other. The sad part is that I seldom allowed the compassionate lover who I really am to come out and play. How could I? Such feelings do not jive with resentment and sarcasm. They could not be allowed as long as I was addicted to this game. Besides, withholding love from women and God meant that I was withholding love from myself because the divine is represented by my intuition, which is considered the feminine side. I refused to go there. I didn't trust it at all. And why should I have? The Christian message I chose to live under for so many centuries did not encourage following your heart. Feelings were considered dangerous and deceptive. So my vow to not love women was compounded by a belief that even my own feminine side was not to be trusted, which included of course, my sexuality. Further, it occurred to me that as long as I was feeling a need to feed, that I was holding my creative life energy, which includes my sexual energy, at an arm's length, and was instead using my sexuality as an attempt to make up for my own lack of taking care of my basic human need for love and affection. This is something that has to be found on the inside first before it can be shared with another without feeding.
Having these realizations and feeling all these various emotions allowed me to accept these beliefs about myself, which was the beginning of bringing them into resolution. These beliefs had haunted me for lifetimes and throughout this current life I had tried unsuccessfully to resolve the anger I knew I had towards God. Understanding it intellectually was never good enough to find resolution regarding these issues. This is an example of the power that acceptance of all that we are can have in affecting change in our life. It is also an example of true love. Now I can admire, appreciate, and even adore all these aspects because now I understand them. I was acting in my best interests all the time, without exception. I cared enough about myself to avoid being hurt or being punished by God. I was doing the best I could in any given situation, given my mindset and consciousness.
In another example, I watched a video online of a guy spanking his woman on her bare buttocks with both his hand and a hairbrush. He had found a used condom on the floor and was demanding to know where it came from. Eventually after a huge struggle and some very red buttocks, she admitted to having been with another man. His response was of course, more spanking until she reached a point of tears begging forgiveness and he finally relented to her but not without making it absolutely clear that she was his, that no man was to ever enter her again or she'd get worse the next time. She humbly agreed as she wiped away her tears.
This video displayed a classic example of control and domination-energy feeding. The guy believed he owned her and she reluctantly accepted that she was indeed owned by him, therefore finding it necessary to accept her punishment and further, to make a commitment that she will never cheat on him again. This may seem an extreme example, but this is what humans have historically agreed to. It's part of the world of duality. There's nothing wrong with any of this and yet it definitely does not allow for the true freedom of the individual. The energy feeding displayed in this video has been rampant since the beginning of humanity. The domination is not always through spanking but generally there is always a withholding of love coming from a need to be in charge at the heart of control.
The concept of marriage has been a natural part of having a belief that we need each other, which is the same thing as feeding off of each other (to need is to feed). And so as duality would have it, we found ourselves attracted usually to our opposite, so that a dominant person would marry someone who preferred to be dominated and this way each could have their own needs met energetically. In either case, however, neither is capable of being sovereign because they literally need the energy of the other to survive. And such feeding also means that if one is not obedient to the other they will be punished through a withholding of love in one form or another, for there has to be a way to drive the point home that obedience is a must. This is the reason rules were created. We didn't believe we could trust each other to be faithful to whatever contracts we agreed upon.
In her own perverse way, the woman being spanked by her man was actually enjoying her spanking. Giving him the freedom to punish her probably felt good. She could see it as a form of his love for her, comforted by his demand for her to be loyal, knowing that through loyalty she'll always be taken care of. He proved it by spanking her when she wasn't loyal. He could have moved out, leaving her alone, which to her would be horrible because her energetic needs would then go unfulfilled. Instead, the spanking reinforced that all she has to do is remain loyal and she won't have to suffer feelings of being alone. On a subconscious level you could say she actually created the entire experience to affirm for herself his loyalty, for she may have been questioning it.
The same is true for him. By needing her to be loyal (for his own feeding purposes), another man in her life is a threat to this and thus, dominating her through punishment is his way of maintaining control so he doesn't have to suffer feelings of being betrayed nor consider the potential of leaving, which would take away the source of his feeding. These are the types of games we have historically been playing with each other, quite consensually. This is because we believe we are separate from the divine, which causes us to feel empty and therefore, needing someone else to fill the emptiness.
We tend to shape-shift ourselves into whatever we have to look like in order to earn attention and approval. It is actually an example of a basic human drive to know who we are. The fact that we want to matter, we want to be accepted, this shows we want to know who we are. This is true about all humans no matter what we choose to shape-shift ourselves into, for even those who end up on the street or commit suicide are still feeding energetically to gain someone's approval. "Look at poor me, how miserable I am, won't you take pity on me?" This is still a game of manipulation to get what you want, even if you have to take your life to prove your point to those you leave behind. Regardless of the form, all manipulation occurs because no one told them who they really are.
Instead, we learn to be whatever we have to be so others will appreciate us, even if that appreciation is only for what we can do for them, not for the genuine person we are. Since we don't know who we are then this is the only thing the outer world can reflect to us. Since what we quickly learn at an early age is to manipulate ourselves to conform to the needs of others, this translates later into manipulating ourselves into whatever way is necessary to manipulate others into believing we matter enough to give us an income. But it goes deeper than this because earning a living is not the only thing we want. Even when we may have figured out a way to convince someone else that we're worthy of being employed by them, there's still something lacking. The job may even earn us the respect and appreciation of others in the work place and even outside the work place, but this still doesn't make up for a lack of affection and touch we probably didn't receive enough of as a child. This is when feeding can turn sexual and become the core means of feeding because when someone has loved you in this way, now you feel life is truly worth living. This is why there is such a concern by most to find a mate who is the right one.
As a child we're taught to get a good education so we can get a good job, and of course, so that we can settle down in a home of our own with someone we've found who loves us. But this entire plan is laced with illusion because from the start the premise that you are God also (and therefore are the source of these things you seek-abundance and love) is not being taught. Therefore, the drive to go through each of these stages is filled with perceptions of lack, causing lots of suffering.
Your outer world is only a reflection of your inner world so the person you finally meet, that you feel a connection with and an affection for, is only going to be capable of showing you what you are on the inside and if you lack an awareness of who you are and therefore are using them to fill the gap, they will show you this by sooner or later bringing this illusion into your face. You may need to feed in order to feel good about yourself. Or, maybe your lover gives you a feeling that you matter because now you have someone in your life who cares about you. Maybe this then earns the approval of your friends and family. When around others your inner voice says, "look at me, I matter now," and this gives you a sense of security and safety, even protection, but it's all been manufactured by the mind to get you to believe that you're okay, that you're alive and matter. This is an illusion you are living, falsely manufactured by you as a way to fill the lack that's inside you, the one that you've never taken the time to fill yourself.
That's why it is imperative to take the time to get to know who you really are. None of your aspects are going to ever surrender to anyone else other than this lover that's inside you. The truth is, your aspects don't care about what another person can give you, whether it's sex or whatever way you may use to feed off of them. All they truly want in order to come home is to be loved by their creator. Go inside and ask, probe, become a sleuth even, and listen when answers begin to bubble up from your heart. I'd also recommend journaling to keep a record of your soul's words and trust your inner messages. Where is your soul taking you? What is your soul telling you about yourself? What is your soul asking you to do? What are you realizing about your relationships with others? About your job or lack of? Trust your own intuition and follow it regardless of what others around you may think or say. Like your mind, they can never really know for sure. Only your heart knows what is best for you. Truly loving yourself is giving yourself the gift of honoring your heart, honoring the direction that comes from within. It may be irrational to the mind but that's okay. Just tell the mind it doesn't have to make sense any more because you're choosing what feels good now and feels right. When you honor you rather than someone else's need to manipulate you for their personal own gain, you change your life. The same thing applies if your soul helps you to see that you're the one who has been manipulating others for your own sense of self-worth, for money, for approval, or anything else.
If you listen to this and follow the guidance you receive from within, you might feel somewhat lost at first, like you are withdrawing from a drug that you want so badly because it gave you your sense of well-being, but know that you're going to be okay. It's important to remember that the entire lifestyle you have so carefully calculated and kept control over in order to manipulate your outer world into whatever you thought was going to fulfill you, a new home, car, relationship, job, whatever, it's all just a game the mind manufactured in order to prove to yourself and others that you matter. It's all an illusion. You matter because you exist, period, and the source of you mattering is inside you. Tap into knowing this deep inside and no one can possibly take that away from you, not even an outside event such as a tornado or earthquake that might destroy your home. If that happens you still know inside that you matter, that you have love and will always be okay because you feel a sense of security and safety coming from within that is there even when the external things may disappear.
There's no reason to wait for such potentials to happen however. If you are listening to your soul and following its advice, the divine has no need to bring such experiences to you. This kind of thing occurs only because the soul has been trying to get your attention for a very long time without any result. Thus, your energy is totally stuck and a so-called disaster becomes the only thing that will break up the energy stagnation and get it flowing again. Remember, all energy needs to flow. It cannot remain stagnant for very long. Your soul will never lead you astray-never!
I have to say that having denied romantic relationships with others for so long, in this lifetime I have ached to flirt, slow dance, and share intimate whispers with a lover girl. This was especially true while following Moon, since I was married to someone I didn't even choose and who did not turn me on at all, and once I was single again, this desire only escalated. And yet, as I begin to romance my soul, it is becoming clear that he is inviting me to play with this desire-within. "How about flirting with the divine?" I hear being softly spoken deep within my heart. "How about slow dancing and whispering intimate words with me?" And then comes the kicker: "How about we make physical love together?" Inside each one of us is a tender, sweet, love maker. At the very least, I now realize this is a prerequisite if such experience is ever going to manifest with another. If that is to happen, it will only when appropriate.
When I look back on my life, I feel lots of compassion for me because I now understand why I created the various aspects I've been describing. I love myself for taking the steps, as slow as they've been, to learn about myself and to develop compassion and appreciation for these aspects that had a need to be whipped. As I stated, when I released all judgment towards them and accepted them, the addiction slowly began falling away. This applies to my addiction to watching women strip as well. Slowly this became boring because, since I was feeling connected to my joy more often than I'd ever felt before thanks to integrating so many aspects, I could also feel into the energy of these women. The main reason they're standing in front of a camera is because they are feeding off of the energy of those watching. They may or may not be getting paid, or even getting sexually aroused, but they are definitely getting a shot in the arm energetically because they don't know how to find this within themselves. In fact, many seem downright bored as they strip, understandably so. I dived directly into this experience until I could develop compassion for my aspects that longed for touch and affection and this allowed me to also feel lots of compassion for these girls as well.
Despite bringing home these aspects drawn to spanking and women stripping, the self-loathing aspects, or spite, remained. This is the same aspect as "I refuse to love," just cloaked in, "I'm not good enough." These aspects try to get me to stop loving me but I have compassion for them because I understand why they feel this way. They had experiences in which they were used and abandoned and after that their attitude became, "never again." I get that now.
Nevertheless, these games would go on whenever I would speak, dance, or even while writing, which are all forms of expressions of my soul. This is why I stated earlier that there's no need to stop these expressions just because at times there are aspects of me that may use them for their own gain. The same thing is true for my aspects that want to be sexual with a woman. I have compassion for them now because I understand why I believed I had a need to be fulfilled through sexuality. However, there's no need to block my sexuality any more than there is a need to stop speaking, dancing and writing. I am in a process of learning who I am through asking for clarity every single day, and this process of remembering who I am brings greater awareness and understanding all the time and therefore, resolution.
In 1998, shortly after my divorce, I met Doni, who was the one exception I referred to earlier in terms of women having an agenda when taking an interest in me. She offered me an unconditional love I'd never experienced before. She listened to me without agenda so that I felt understood and completely accepted. However, I wasn't able to fully appreciate this about her at the time because I wanted to be with someone who I could have sex with and that's not what Doni appeared in my world to give me but nevertheless, her presence softened something within me so that I became less desperate to get my perceived sexual needs met and more committed to discovering who I was.
For this reason, I went six years without any significant relationship but that doesn't mean I wasn't keeping my eyes open. In this lifetime the idea of romance has been something so new and so intriguing that there wasn't a moment that I didn't on some level hope to meet that special someone. Meanwhile, as far as I'm concerned, my desire to experience great pleasure is an indication that I am in tune with the divine. The divine loves sex! Sex is perhaps one of the most profound ways humans can connect to the divine through. So, when I met a woman online who lived in Venezuela I fell in love for the very first time. Do you remember what your first love was like? This was every bit as exciting and enthralling and, unlike my wife, who I was never turned on by, she had the entire package I was looking for at the time-looks, sweet voice, personality, and most importantly, a strong desire to have sex. That was music to my ears and it wasn't long before instant messaging and phone calls were not enough. I had to go be with my lover. Because I had been working diligently on myself using various healing modalities to clear away obstacles to who I am, I thought I would be able to at long last have the fulfilling sexual experience I'd always wanted. Imagine then, what a let down it was when I joined her in Venezuela and could not maintain my erections.
After that it became clear to me that pursuing fulfillment outside myself, whether through sex or any other way for that matter, was not going to work. That's when I made a very clear vow to myself that I would find a way to become head over heals in love with me before I entered into another relationship. That doesn't mean I didn't attempt to experiment sexually however, just to see how far I'd come in my ability to trust myself, but in every case I was not able to maintain any kind of erection in the presence of a woman. That's why, when this massage therapist recently managed to get me aroused, I was surprised. To me, this was a reflection of the level of trust I have developed. I thanked myself tremendously on the way home from that experience because for one thing, I felt secure within myself knowing I didn't want to share myself with her sexually, especially since she was using sexuality to feed, nor did I have a sexual craving for her, but more importantly, because I realized that I was now more able to trust myself enough to allow myself to be sexual with a woman should the opportunity arise and I feel ready for it.
As I've stated, I love myself for diving into each of these experiences because I learned so much about myself. You don't hide from life just because you fear you might do the wrong thing, or get burned, or whatever it is you're afraid of. Diving right into experience is the best teacher. However, if your soul tells you not to go down a particular road, then you don't want to go down there just to find out what it was trying to keep you from experiencing.
Last year I went to an art exhibition called "NudenightTampa." There were all kinds of nude art there, from paintings to drawings, metal sculptures, stained glass, and collages. In addition, there were actual live art displays, such as a topless woman or naked man standing inside picture frames posing. There was also nude body art and entertainment that consisted of, among other things, two women strippers who took off most of their clothing to the beat of music. As I watched them I breathed. It turned out to be an enjoyable experience without any feeding and when I left the building I walked away from that energy. I had no need to carry it with me as I had from the stripper in the video. This was wonderful because it allowed me to just enjoy the moment, to enjoy something erotic and pleasurable. This is one of the wonderful things about being human. All of life is actually erotic.
Have you ever stopped to truly feel what a rich, multi-level alive experience it is to feel sexual attraction? Have you ever stopped to just revel in the feeling of that moment? Many of us programmed ourselves to be frightened of it because of what it means for the future, because what if she says no, because what if I sin-what if all sorts of things. Can you just feel that, in that moment-all the sensations that pass through you? When they mean nothing about the next moment, you are free to choose. You are free to speak to someone, to invite them or release them. When you are saying yes to what you feel in the moment rather than running from it then you are free in the next moment to make a choice, to feel something new, to say yes to yourself again and then free to make a new choice in every moment. Can you say yes to you for everything you feel, even sexual attraction in the moment?
Incidentally, after the Memorial Day weekend I received another back adjustment and this time it held. Because all this information was coming to me about energy feeding, I knew I had allowed several angry aspects to integrate through the weekend as well as ones that needed to feed sexually.
To paraphrase Cindy Hunsinger in "Play Your Way To Your Best Life," I have shared many experiences I've had with energy feeding not to continue fueling aspects rooted in anger and blame. I did it so I could accept and honor the transition of relationships with these aspects that have lost their vitality so that they, and I, can rest in peace, which allows me to find the wisdom in having created them in the first place. Every one of these so-called mental adversaries can be seen without a doubt as my greatest friend in disguise. When looked at and felt through a heart of compassion, they each in their own way reveal my greatest assets. Loathing my sexuality is an indication of just how sacred to me the divine feminine is as the source of creation. My natural response has been to deny it until sharing it can be a pure experience. Anger towards God reveals how important it has always been to me for relationships to be real and authentic, most especially the relationship I have with the divine, which of course, means with myself. If it's not real, my anger is off the charts because my integrity says I will settle for nothing less. Bitterness towards women shows me just how important being free without the need to feed is to me. Being abused and abandoned is something I would never wish on my worst enemy. My true heart is free to give without agenda. When violated, hatred is a perfectly natural response.
I could go on and on with the list but you get the picture. Now is the time for me to move on to a new chapter of my life, one in which I choose a balance between my inner male and female, to be in full alignment with my sovereignty, and to allow my natural state of abundance, joy and laughter to be fully experienced. And so it is.
*This article is also the second part of a two-part transcript of a radio show I did on June 1, 2011. To listen to the show, go to my profile where you'll find a link to my radio show page.
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